lahermite: (Default)
you know, i rarely comment. i don't even read my friends page every day. i'm just not online that much. i sit here in the morning and write this post, then through the day, i sporadically check my email. i'm on long enough to read my email, but not reply to it. my inbox is overflowing with people i want to write to, but never get to. eventually i just delete everything in there.

i want to apologize to you for this. i'm sorry that i don't read all the time. i'm sorry that i don't comment often. there are a lot of you i want to comment to more often, but then never do. it's not that i don't like you, it's not that i don't ever read anything. i do. both. i just don't comment much. it makes our relationship rather one way, and i apologize for that. i hope that none of you mind that i'm a rather selfish ljer. i guess that if you do mind, you'll leave. and, since you're all still here, you mustn't mind that much. but i'm guessing. if you do mind, and you'd like to moan at me for my selfishness, please take this opportunity to! it's okay. i deserve it. :D

that said, my selfishness in this area is unlikely to change. i don't want to spend more time online, i'd like to spend less time online! not *no* time, as i'd miss you all terribly, but not so much time that i feel like i'm staring into this box instead of forging real relationships with all the living breathing beings around me. it's not *you*, it's this box. it's so - detached and unreal. ya know. i crave real realtionship, that involves a sharing of smell and touch and taste, and all this box can give me is more unreality, more detachment, more abstraction. hence the attempt to not spend more time on here.

on with the brain dump. yesterday we went to gymnastics again. it was just as badly organized and chaotic and too full as last week. actually, even more so. to the point that danny and i had to shed our shoes and help out. helping out was fun, though! my children, however, practically did nothing. loke got fed up with being told he couldn't climb on things by himself, so sat down at the edge and ate snacks. jiana wandered from group to group not really doing anything at all. it's silly. i've paid for the month so we'll go for the month, but if things don't change either in my kids or in the class, then i won't be paying for another month. which is sad because the gym is an awesome place and has soo much potential. i just think that my kids would need a class with less other kids and more instructor-attention. and that would probably take a shit load more money that the $50 i paid.

after gym, we went to visit joanie and her boys and then went to visit amanda and josh and their girls. then we came home and watched mary poppins.

today i have to go down and do what i should have done a month ago; apply for medicaid for danny. i really must quit procrastinating all the important things and start being far more energetic and capable of doing everything.

danny's gums have stopped bleeding when he brushes his teeth. he credits the dental cleaning for this. he's happy about it.

and with that, i'm ending this post short. there are a few emails i *have* to reply to and if i don't get on them and do it now, they'll go the way of all the others; into the trash folder. *sighs*

happy thursday all.
lahermite: (Default)
morning brain dump. erm. erg. i need to wake up more first!

let's see, what's on my mind.

okay, i haven't talked about this. heath ledger. dead at 28. hollywood celebrity that practically no one knows. big sensationalist headlines about drugs. cos, you know, only illegal drugs can cause the very early death of a hollywood celebrity. not legal ones. even though it's mostly legals ones that do all the killing. ana nicole smith and her son both died from legal ones, right? and here we have this handsome talented young man who the media is trying to portray as a drug addict just so they can have their sensation. except, in my opinion, the sensation lies in the truth. prescription drugs administered to people with problems by people who don't give a shit. here, take this pill, it will help. oh, that's wrong, here, take this pill. oh, something else pops up, here take this pill, too. contradictions? what? no such thing. just trust your doctor and take your pills. logan's gran was in hospital for three weeks recently. literally shitting herself for three weeks. why? pills given to her by the doctor. pills that the hospital never thought to check. pills that were destroying her stomach, and said that's what they do on the small print, but no one, not her regular doctor and not the three weeks worth of doctors that saw her while she was shitting herself to death, thought to check the pills she was taking. heath ledger spoke openly about being manic, about not being able to sleep, about his mind racing. he had several different prescription medications. who doesn't? my betting is that he's dead because of those prescription drugs. because they couldn't fix the problem. because more of them couldn't fix the problem that less of them didn't fix. because taking yet another pill cannot solve a problem that's at the core of a person, a problem caused by a way of life that we're not hardwired for. the body does things to tell us what's wrong. if you can't sleep, if your mind races, then there's a problem. and fake sleep, rest that comes from taking pills, doesn't help. it doesn't get rid of the cause of the insomnia, or the mania, it just masks the problem so you can continue your way of life. sometimes this is what the person needs. the masking so life can continue. but not most of the time. most of the time people are taking the pills their doctors give them, trusting that the doctor knows what s/he is doing. but that's mostly not the case. mostly the doctor isn't paying attention. so, mostly, you need to. don't take something because someone else tells you to. no matter who that person is. do the research. read the small print. and if some facet of your life doesn't depend on it, really depend on it, don't fucking take it. and, if you do take it, and it doesn't work - don't take more.

there's no understanding death. the reaper comes when the reaper wants to come. people die all the time of the weirdest things. young people just drop down dead. autopsy discovers some weird fluke or some weird allergy or some valve that must never have worked properly resulting in the now dead walking timebomb. i've come to the conclusion that death isn't the problem. our relationship with death is the problem. the "bad" parts of life are just as valid as the good parts. pain is just as valid an emotion as joy. we shouldn't run from these. we shouldn't hide from these. we should embrace them as fully as we embrace the rest of life. if we did that, if we all did that, then we might actually be fully living, instead of spending our lives running in fear from things that are as unavoidable as breathing, or the sunrise, or winter. when did pain and death become the big evil? probably the same time sex and nudity became the big evil...... hm!

it's ironic, really, that my own heath ledger story ties in so neatly with the rest of this post. anti-depressents gave me a grand mal seizure while i was driving my car. the doctors, in their wisdom, diagnosed me as epileptic (not true) and gave me more anti-depressents (funny how anti-seizure medicine is often exactly the same stuff as anti-psychotic medicine. even funnier is how the side effects of both can be exactly what you're trying to avoid...) in the process of switching drugs (they bring you up to full strength of the new one before they reduce the old one) i met logan and got pregnant. this particular night, i sat, watching "a knight's tale", having a psychotic episode, telling logan that *that* is what i wanted. a knight who would shuck all society and love me unconditionally. i ranted on about this being what i wanted while i sliced my wrist to the bone. i credit heath ledger with saving my life, pretty much, and the life and health of my then unborn loke. it was the awakening i needed. the lesson. having a seizure because of medication while i was driving my small child and dog didn't wake me up, but slicing my wrist to the bone while lusting after a movie character and landing up in the nuthouse for three days being doped up on god-only knows what (they didn't care when i told them i thought i was pregnant, they still drugged me up on whatever they were dishing out) did wake me up. hence me being almost rabidly anti-medication. the drug that caused the seizure was welbutrin, the drug combo that caused the psychosis was depakote and, i think, lamictal.

heath's family may never get the answers they seek to his death. they might. maybe autopsy will find something that can help them rest easier, some magic answer as to why he's gone from this plane so early. but maybe not. maybe they will have to just accept, somewhere somehow, that the reaper doesn't care about us, those "left behind", the reaper just cares that the person's number is up and it's their time to go. and the reaper takes what the reaper wants. however s/he must.

god love you, heath.

(heath replies, grinning his beautiful grin) i know, i know. cos no one else will!

(if you've not seen knight's tale, you will not get these last two lines.)


lahermite: (Default)

November 2011

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